23rd Sunday in Ordinary Time: September 5/6, 2026
Two weeks ago, we heard how Jesus gave the “keys to the kingdom” to Peter, and I suggested we all have those keys that either open the way to the kingdom for us and others, or keeps us locked out of the kingdom. Keys like trust and confidence, the keys of love, care and concern, mercy, meekness, and peace.
And notice that today Jesus says to all of us what he told Peter when handing over the keys to him: whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. . .
Last week we heard Jesus say that all of us must take up our cross and follow after him. I think we have a collision of these two Gospels today, when Jesus talks about reconciliation, or is he talking about forgiveness, both of which are usually difficult for us so amounts to a cross we all carry, and yet something we are called to do. . .
To understand the difference between reconciliation and forgiveness, I introduced you to a fictitious friend of mine named Marcy. Marcy hadn’t had contact with her abusive father for years, an intentional decision she thought was necessary for her safety and well being.
Recently, though, her father reached out, asking to reconnect with her and her family. But she was afraid to let him back into her life as she did not trust him and worried about exposing her children to someone who had hurt her deeply. So she told her father, NO, and he accused her of being unforgiving and unchristian, which really shook her. Marcy believes in forgiveness, but doesn’t think that should mean putting herself, or her family, back in harm’s way. How can she forgive without pretending the past didn’t happen, and how can she honor Jesus' command without ignoring her own boundaries?
I don’t think Marcy is alone in her dilemma. Many of us faithful Christians face situations like hers: an ex-spouse who caused serious harm, pushing for restored contact. A family member who has never acknowledged the damage they caused, demanding to be welcomed back.
Remembering Jesus’ command to forgive (even repeatedly up to 70 times), many people may feel pressured to restore a harmful relationship, or, alternatively, might feel guilty for saying NO like Marcy did. The key, oh, there’s that word again, the key to situations like this is to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
As Christians, we are called to lean into God’s abundant mercy and forgiveness, and then share that same mercy and forgiveness with a sense of abundance. That's how we become Christ’s heart in the world, imitating his Sacred Heart. But it’s important to understand what that really means. Forgiveness does NOT require us to pretend that an offense never happened or that things are better than they actually are. Instead, forgiveness means wanting to give up the desire to hurt someone, for having hurt us. It means getting to the place where we can genuinely wish the other person well, even when we don’t feel like it.
Reconciliation is a different matter entirely. Reconciliation means that the person who hurt us has done the work necessary to be safe to be around, and so can re-establish a relationship.
Forgiveness is something we can do all by ourselves, in our own heart, regardless of what the other person says or does. Reconciliation requires something from two people, most importantly, genuine accountability from the one who caused the harm.
Marcy had forgiven her father. She got the pain, the hurt, the life-draining poison out of her heart so it would not control her. But, that doesn’t mean she was obligated to hand him access to her and her family. The answer someone gives us when we refuse reconciliation is telling.
If Marcy’s father would have said, “I totally get where you are coming from, and it breaks my heart that you feel that way, and I hope someday you might think differently, but I respect your boundary and I understand because I did hurt you.” She may have considered reconciling with him. But that’s NOT what he said. . .
Maintaining the safe boundary with her father may have felt uncomfortable to Marcy, but her decision was actually a loving response to the situation. For one thing, keeping her father at a distance until he is able to handle the relationship safely and responsibly is loving toward him because it helps face up to himself, and avoid a situation that would only cause continued harm.
For example, an alcoholic doesn’t put themself in a bar, and someone who loves an alcoholic doesn’t invite them to one. Marcy’s decision to keep a safe boundary between her father and her family was both appropriate and also a real expression of love.
Sometimes working for the good of others makes us feel uncomfortable. But in the end, the true measure of love isn’t how it makes us feel, but whether it truly seeks the best outcome for the other and all involved. In Marcy’s case, safety for herself and her family, and the possibility of real healing for her father.
If someone in your past is pushing for restored contact, three honest questions need to be asked:
Have they acknowledged the harm they caused? Not a vague, “I’m sorry you were hurt” but a clear, specific acknowledgment of what they did and how it affected you. A person who cannot name their offense is not in a position to repair it. Accountability is the foundation for reconciliation - and without it - the same patterns are likely to be repeated.
How did they respond if you said NO? This is often the clearest signal available. A person who responds to your limits with guilt-tripping, pressure, or spiritual manipulation> is showing you exactly where they still are. So let the response speak for itself. And,
Are you both strong enough? Reconciliation isn’t just about whether YOU can handle it, but also whether THEY can handle it. Inviting someone into a situation they’re not equipped to handle isn’t mercy, it’s setting everyone up for failure.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are important keys to the kingdom of God. They are also ways that we become Jesus’ heart in the world. We should always ask God for the grace we need to move forward with compassion and mercy, when someone sins against us, for it is God who changes hearts to prepare them for reconciliation.
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